


Nostalgic

by chocopieyj



Category: GOT7
Genre: Getting Back Together, Happy Ending maybe, Jaebum's sad, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Post-Break Up, Very basic plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 13:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocopieyj/pseuds/chocopieyj
Summary: The smallest of the things triggers memories. Simple as a drive on sunset, a playlist or a picture found in a forgotten book - he wants to forget, he really does, but this feeling isn’t going and he hates it.Or, Jaebum misses his ex-boyfriend but he’s not sure if do something about it.





	Nostalgic

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired on Simple Plan's song 'Nostalgic'. 
> 
> More specifically on the very first part: 
> 
> / I found your picture looking through a book, it was the one I took when we were driving on sunset. Descendents playing on a mix CD that you just made for me, you wrote "for when you miss me" on it. /
> 
> Whatever, another thing I wrote with nothing in mind, but if I don't put it somewhere, I'll just let it die on my Drive xD

The car is ready after 4 months of being in the workshop and he can finally pick it up. It's not that weird that it had been there for so long, it's not new, nor a very recent model - it's just a modest 2011 Volkswagen Jetta, manual transmission and a handbrake that gets stuck unless he does a strange maneuver when pulling it.  


But Jaebum loves that car.

He bought it pre-owned a few years ago, shortly before leaving college, with his own money. Everything he was saving from his summer and part-time jobs, so he's proud to have it.

The mechanic tells him the car is still functional and that's enough for Jaebum, who doesn't have budget sufficient enough to even plan to buy a new one and also, he's too tied to that car, too much sentimental value to let it go.

After paying the bill, he gets into the car and carefully looks inside. He has to clean it as soon as he gets home - there are some fast food wraps scattered on the floor and a couple of empty cans of sikhye and cold coffee. There's also a light pink sweatshirt in the back seat that it isn’t his and he writes down on his to-do mental list giving it back as soon as possible.

Just when he turns the engine on, the CD he left on the player, before taking the car to the workshop, starts playing automatically - he feels a stab in his chest that he tries to ignore and thinks about taking it out but he doesn't, and drives with Bruno Mars, Lauv, Maroon Five and Khalid in the background.

Each song causes the initial twinge to become more and more painful and he hates each song on the playlist, but he still listens to it until he parks in front of his apartment building, in his usual parking spot.

Before getting down, he ejects the CD from the player and reads the words written with a blue marker in Youngjae's messy calligraphy: _ 'For when you miss me' _. Jaebum sighs, he doesn't know whether to smile or step over the CD until it's completely shattered.

He also takes the sweatshirt, he can still catch Youngjae's soft scent on it and he sees a coffee stain that now dry looks less bad than when it was fresh, but it won't be easy to take off.

He throws away all the trash in a nearby container and goes up to his flat, wondering if he would have to wash the sweatshirt before giving it back. Maybe not, but he feels somewhat responsible because it got dirty because of him and it doesn't say anywhere that someone can't get an ex-boyfriend's clothes washed.

"Hello baby," Jaebum whispers when his kitten, Nora, comes over to greet him. Words taste bitter in his mouth now that the person he really wants to see on his couch is no longer welcoming him.

He remembers sadly before, when he was late from work and Youngjae was waiting for him awake, receiving him with a beautiful smile, a hug and a cup of decaf. Jaebum couldn't ask for anything else.

He shakes his head from side to side, trying to scare those thoughts away. He really needs to stop thinking about him, he has gone around and around the whole thing and the only thing he has had in mind since they broke up, is Youngjae.

Jaebum hates feeling that way, that everything reminds him of his ex-boyfriend and that he thinks about him 24 hours a day. Jinyoung is right, he has to get over it.

And he has tried, really, but it seems that it's impossible when absolutely everything puts in his mind something related to Youngjae - his own car reminds him of him, when they went to the beach and drove at sunset, with playlists they made together as the soundtrack.

And when he feels lonely, he dedicates himself to think about him, the plans they had and no longer exist, to remake in his mind the day everything ended and changing everything he can - if they had done something different, if he had never said that, if Youngjae hadn't left like that.

Alone, he remembers how being with Youngjae made him feel, it was fun, he felt free, happy, he was complete.

And now, he has only this hole in his heart, he's numb.

After feeding Nora, he takes his laundry basket, the pink sweatshirt and goes down to the laundry room where he quickly puts the washing machine to work and puts some more effort on the coffee stain, pouring liquid soap directly on it and rubbing it, waiting for it to be completely removed.

And while he waits for the clothes, he grabs the book he keeps in the laundry since he first moved to the building a while ago and starts leafing through it, finding a snapshot of Youngjae that he himself took - he's smiling so brightly that the sunlight that can be seen in the background looks dull in comparison.

He loves that smile, in the present tense because he still does even if they no longer have a relationship anymore and once again, memories flood his mind.

He sighs again and unable to avoid it, a smile is painted on his face. The polaroid of his ex-boyfriend brings him more good memories than bad ones.

He remembers that day perfectly, Jaebum wanted to go to the beach but there was a terrible weather - strong wind ravaged the city and the sun was barely visible between the clouds that foreshadowed the storm.

Youngjae agreed to go with him despite everything and put on one of Jaebum's old sweatshirts for the trip. Once Jaebum had asked him why he liked to wear his clothes that much, and the boy replied that he liked his smell, that it reminded him of him.

And while they were driving, there was a moment when the wind stopped and the sky cleared enough for the sun to be bright in the sky. Youngjae smiled with that kind of smile that only he can get, blinding and beautiful. It was then that he took the picture.

He wanted that moment to last forever.

In the end they didn't even make it to the beach, the storm broke out sooner than expected and they had to take refuge in a nearby hotel - their weekend was about them two locked in a room, curled up, messing around, eating and watching television.

It was more perfect than he had planned, as expected, everything with Youngjae was better.

It's a good memory, he thinks keeping the polaroid in his pocket, but that feeling of emptiness doesn't go away, it just grows and hurts.

He wonders if Youngjae thinks of him as much as he does or if it's only Jaebum who misses him. If the mutual love they had now was unrequited.

It's only been a few months, have he forgotten him so quickly? Maybe it's just Jaebum the one that is stuck.

And the emptiness deepens, he feels as if something is pressing his chest and he hates himself again for not being able to get him out of his mind. He hates Youngjae a little bit too, or at least he tries to.

When he finishes with his clothes and goes back to the room, he feels more alone than before and he's suddenly tired. He wants to sleep but instead, he forces himself to fold and store his freshly washed clothes and sighs heavily.

He knows it was his fault, he has no right to feel this regretful when he himself was the one who pushed Youngjae to leave him, to go away so he wouldn't return. From whatever point of view, he blames himself for the whole fight and that only makes him feel worse.

They had already had discussions before, when they started living together. It's always difficult to adapt to a new routine, but it was never something they couldn't solve in ten minutes speaking calmly. Everything worked just fine, they both gave a bit willingly so that both lived at ease.

That's why he can't understand how they ended up fighting that day. If he thinks about it, it even seems stupid.

It was a Thursday.

Both were tired, angry at everything and it was generally a bad time.

They were very upset and exploded against each other, blaming themselves for things that didn't come to the matter, throwing other problems in their faces and shouting at each other - they had never argued like that, he doesn't even remember yelling at Youngjae before that. 

And they didn't know how to handle it.

He remembers that Youngjae had a mess in the living room when he arrived - there were chips wrappings and crumbs on the floor, and a large stain of some drink that was thrown to the carpeting.

Jaebum tried to ignore it, just pass by but, when he entered the kitchen and saw it in an even worse state, with dirty dishes and a burnt saucepan, he couldn't stand it. He yelled at Youngjae if he planned to clean up that mess and Youngjae laughed, telling him he wasn't in the mood to put up with him.

It started with a argue about the home tasks, and ended with a fight about attention, about the little time they spent with each other, if when Jaebum didn’t do this and Youngjae did that. Too many stupid things that weren't even important were recriminated.

But when one is upset, everything seems a thousand times worse and tends to overreact.

_ "I should never have asked you to move in with me!" _ Jaebum shouted at the end and Youngjae rolled his eyes, almost mockingly, answering with a: _"We should never have started dating in the first place!"_

Youngjae left that night furious and hurt and Jaebum, being as angry as him, didn't worry about following him, he said to himself he didn't care, he _ wanted _ him to leave.

Later on, with a cool head, he felt the guilt settling in his chest, he regretted not going after him but he thought that the next day they could talk, when they were both fresh.

But Youngjae didn't show up and that night, Jaebum realized that all his things were gone - he must have picked them up when Jaebum wasn't there. He took everything he had brought with him when he moved. Nothing in the house said Youngjae once lived there.

Jaebum tried to call him a bunch of times but never got an answer and so, he just let him go, just like that.

Maybe he had to insist more, he had to look for him, he had to fight harder. But he couldn't, he decided that he didn't want to hear Youngjae say clearly that he wasn't coming back. He resigned himself in the bad way, forced himself to believe that he no longer wanted him.

Maybe Youngjae got tired of him, he told himself.

The only thing left of Youngjae is his pillow. It still has his smell and Jaebum hugs it when he sleeps, inhaling the essence of Youngjae's shampoo and that cookie-like smell body soap. He adores that soft aroma. It makes him feel at home.

Sometimes he also cries while he feels the smell flood his lungs and the feeling surpasses him, when memories are killing him more than normal and he feels he can no longer bear it.

He hasn't talked to him for 3 months now, when they broke up. They never talked about actually breaking up, but suddenly it was obvious what was happening.

He wants to call him, ask him to talk about what happened but whenever he's about to press the button, he stops. He doesn't know if he can stand the indifference.

What he fears most is to be ignored, that Youngjae doesn't answer or tells him crudely that he doesn't want to talk to him anymore. Maybe he's too coward to face the truth, or maybe he still loves him too much to know it, when the wound still feels fresh.

Now there is only remorse and memories that hurt him a little every day. But he will overcome it, he tells himself every day, one day he will wake up and will realize that he no longer misses him so much, that memories no longer hurt him and he doesn't think about him as much as before.

_ One day maybe he won't love him anymore. _

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
